MILKWEED

May 30, 2026

I'm getting older too

My partner got me those sour candy caterpillars to sneak into the movie theater - I haven't had them in years. When I bit into the first one, the sugar and acid shot a painful sensation through my teeth. This tends to happen now, so I don't usually eat gummy candy anymore. To combat this, I sucked the sugary coating off the caterpillar before chewing. A childhood memory of my mom doing the same thing then sticking the caterpillar out of her mouth like it was her tongue popped into my brain. It felt like one of those memories that was almost forgotten forever. I wondered if she did this because it also hurt her teeth. This year I turned the age of my mother when she gave birth to me. I still feel like a fumbling child in a world not made for me. Did she feel the same way at this stage of her life? Does that feeling ever go away?

mood moon
old waxing gibbous in scorpio

May 24, 2026

Our house is a very very fine house

There is a quaint brick house with an intriguing medieval door and a sunroom off to the side settled in a neighborhood that we used to live in a few years ago. Oh how life was seemingly better at that time, or maybe it is just nostalgia. We used to walk the tree lined streets to get the most delicious ice cream from the downtown area in the summer, and in the autumn, we would walk through the cemetery enjoying the fall foliage. During the winter snow, a blue glow was cast upon the streets and everything became silent. The daffodils came with spring, enlivening the world again. At the time, we lived in a shitty small apartment where we had to cross a busy street to get to the desirable area. As we passed the house, I fantasized about how great it would be to live there. I would replace the large lawn with native plants, build a garden bed, and plant some fruit trees. We would spend our mornings in the sunroom enjoying coffee and the sights of critters attracted to our yard. We would put up decorations for halloween and sit in front of the grand door to serve children, searching for candy, packs of native seeds instead because we don't believe in Big Sugar™. We moved thousands of miles away, and I still feel homesick even though we only lived there a short portion of our lives. After we starting discussing moving back to that place, I found the house on Zillow. It was sold six months ago for a good price after being lived in for over 20 years. I wondered where the previous owners went off to and if the new owners would appreciate the house like I would have. I didn't get upset about it until a few weeks later, like the universe was rubbing my nose into it, when the house went back on the market again - this time doubled in price. The fuckers flipped it. The kitchen cabinets were painted white with black hardware, and tacky faux marble tiles on the floors and shower. Thank god they kept the wooden floors and that beautiful door, but how fucking dare they price gouge the shit of the old house for a couple of shitty renovations. The opportunity to build my life there was just out of my reach - missed only by a couple of months. It seems that we will be renting forever as housing prices get more and more ridiculous. Maybe that doesn't matter. Owning a single family home only gives the illusion of control. Perhaps the city would fine us for our native garden or the house was more work than what it is worth, and our lives fill up with stress anyways. Instead, I can have the life I want now without owning a house. I'll plant seeds wherever the fuck I want.

mood moon
the five stages of grief waxing gibbous in virgo

January 6, 2026

Walkin' on a dream

I walked into the new year with approximately 55,000 steps starting at the rise of the sun and ending at late noon. The goal was originally 100,000 steps, but my aching feet and swollen body made it apprarent that it was out of my reach (for now). I still walked the most steps in the shortest amount of time in my life, comparable only to times I spent on hiking trails or in the city (but never surpassing low 40 thousands) 50 thousand steps is equivalent to a marathon, which sounds more impressive than "I walked this ## of steps". Many people will never walk this much. Our days are usually limited to a small amount of steps, by um, idk society? car culture, the 40+ hour work week, laziness. I walked all over town where the slender, cracked pavement was present. It was pressed against the road, where mindless drivers drove excessive speeds and spewed their exhaust into my lungs. When walking for 9 hours straight, you notice how shitty and beautiful everything is. Wildflowers grow in the trash-filled ditches, vines engulf a chain link fence, butterflies perch near empty beer bottles (there was a lot of these after nye..shame on u). Little signs of life are seen that would have been missed in a vehicle.

mood moon
reverence waning gibbous in leo