DIARY

Ahh, four months since my last entry, and another year half way over. Things became too overwhelming, and my response was to numb my mind with endless screentime and THC gummies. I am a shell of a human with no motivation to accomplish anything. Maybe I am depressed or maybe the whole world is depressed. All my friends and family (maybe you can relate) are stuck in the same cycle of bedrotting and doomscrolling. I am no different than the people around me. It sucks knowing that people in powerful places benefit from us being in this state. Yet, its so difficult to willpower myself out of this pit. I want more out of life, but it seems like I am living the same exact day over and over. How is it possible that I feel nothing has changed and everything has changed simultaneously?

I fulfilled my goal of no television for the month of January, which has been the longest amount of time I have gone without it since I was a baby. Even toddler me was glued to a screen, watching Barney and friends. Did I magically turn super productive and do all the activities I wanted to do? No. I would find myself sitting on the couch staring at the wall where the tv once was (I put it in a closet to prevent temptation). I guess I expected that the boredom would propel myself into a frenzy where I would always keep on top of the laundry and suddenly become a more active, enthusiastic person. I didn’t completely waste my time. I went on more walks, saw friends more often, and finished more books in one month than I have in the past decade. February rolls around, and now my animalistic instinct to consume all forms of mindless entertainment is in full force. My phone's screentime weekly average went from less than an hour to over four. I deleted TikTok, which was soon removed from the app store (rip), so I have opted for its terrible cousin, Instagram Reels. I don't know why I do this to myself. I'm sick of giving my attention to corporations that spy on users and encourage hateful rhetoric. I know I should delete my social media already, but I feel like I am missing out with my friends. Social media companies have created this illusion of community, which makes it so difficult to leave despite not receiving any tangible interaction except for the occasional meme. The only way to stop myself is to throw my phone into the river (figuratively cuz that would be environmentally irresponsible). Does anyone know how to stop this cycle? Electroshock therapy?

Started the new year with a leaking kitchen sink which feels like an omen for how the rest of 2025 is going to turn out, but I'll do my best to keep a postive outlook. Whenever I was a young child I conjured up ideas on how I wanted to live my life, and even made a schedule broken down by the hour (I rarely followed it). I knew I wasn't living in a way that contributed to my growth or health but could not summon the willpower to actually do the things that I needed/wanted to be done. So many goals left unachieved and hobbies that didn't get enough time and effort I would tell myself I will get it the next year, but I always end up succumbing to the same ol' habits This year has to be diffent. My early twenties are officially over, and it feels like life is passing me by. If I don't get my shit together now, will I ever? My friends and family will tell me that I've accomplished so much, but I guess I just expected more. I'm not really good at anything and I don't follow the goals I set for myself. When I was fifteen years old, I started to teach myself how to crochet because I wanted to make my own clothes and various amigurumi. My grandma even gave me a huge bag filled with yarn, but here I am, a decade later, with that same bag of yarn. Crochet is still something I want to be good at, and its heartbreaking to think of all the lost time and progress. I've realized that I will always prioritize sitting in front of a screen rather than doing the things that would bring me long-term happiness. I can't keep repeating the same cycle over and over again. My goal for the month of January is to remove the instant gratification of technology and sugar, so I wll not be watching any televison and I deleted social media. I was gonna do no technology at all, but the internet is useful for learning stuff and I feel satisfied working on my website. I'm still aiming to minimize as much screentime as possible, we'll see how it goes.